Frustration

It seems like every time I start to feel comfortable in life, it all starts slipping away again. The descent into madness. Just the thought of completing seven separate subjects in a single semester, many with 1000 word essays and others with time-consuming musical arrangements and rehearsals, makes me want to sit down with myself, face to face, and say: "What are you doing? All evidence points against your success! How do you plan to achieve what you want?"

I don't even know what I want from life any more. Musically, career-wise, from university, from friends, from living arrangements.... it frustrates me just how little I know about myself now. I used to know everything I wanted, except as far as my perfect job went, which was fine as everyone figures that out in time. On the bright side, I guess I've never had a totally comfortable year since moving out of home, so it's not like the Good Years were such a short time ago and it's All Gone Wrong since then. meh...what. am. i, saying.

Anyway. Picture me floating in a sea of dark confusion, and it's night time, and the waves are getting higher, and I'm clutching a rough piece of wood for support (this could be a metaphor for the constants in life... good music? company? family? whatever) and occasionally I see a glimpse of glittery starlight, but the clouds are whipping in from the south and all I can do is hope that lightning isn't involved.

Metaphors aside, I know I've hated myself for a long time. To some extent or other, I have always disliked - often intensely - aspects of who I am; my identity. Which is kind of ironic right now, because in the past week I've had to discuss who I am in almost every class, and my teachers have placed a lot of importance on where we've come from, our experiences from school and so on. But even the me that I used to hate seems preferable to this aimlessness, this lack of drive. The me I used to hate knew unending joy.

I'm glad this year will be a very big change, but also quite sad because last semester was possibly the most fun I have ever had/will have at uni. I enjoyed every subject for once and my results showed it too.

It's tired and I'm late. Probably just in a mood for writing this kinda stuff. That's a strange thing though; I still seem to joke around with people a lot and enjoy laughing at stuff. But whenever I sit down to write stuff about me, it's serious and sombre. WHATEVER

your face.


Now I feel better. There's just something about saying 'your face.' I'm sure you know what I mean.