Lost.

Not coping.

No direction. Depressed thoughts. Emotional walls. Self-pity and self-frustration. Longing to escape. Nothing makes it worthwhile. Can't understand myself or others. Can't see a way to make things work. Can't seem to co-exist with anyone peacefully. Feel myself hopelessly continuing patterns of behaviour I've tried to change.

I usually write on this blog when I'm unhappy, which I've noted before. So... perhaps it's not all that bad.

Hopefully next year is better.

With Certainty Comes Conflict

Sometimes, I'm a difficult person.

I guess everyone is difficult, sometimes. All of the permutations.
Person A is difficult at time 1 for Persons B and C but not Person D.
Person B is difficult at time 2 for Person C, although at time 3 is super friendly and happy with person C but difficult for person A.
etc.

Anyway, I'm difficult, at times. I kind of feel sorry for those around me, at those times. I know, I have plenty of good qualities. That's not what this is about. Everyone has issues, sure. That's also somewhat irrelevant.

I'm difficult but also quite sensitive to my difficulties and their effect on others. I think if I were insensitive it'd be a whole lot easier - at least only one of us would feel bad.

However, despite the crap, we muddle through. Even when things seem completely pointless or confusing. I think I have found some joy in knowing a path, of some kind, for my life. An uncertain path to be sure but... it has some clarity, and it suits me, at least for now. Then, when all the various activities seem to fit with that vision, that brings a rightness, a feeling of accomplishment, a sense of filling a niche in the world, doing something (or somethings) that are worthwhile.

I think in a previous post I lamented that these posts are always super general and not specific. I was planning to do some creative writing for my next post. Both ideas sound good. I can talk about what's actually happening in my life and in another post I can write some creative wordsies. Like that one. That was creative. I created it! Just then.

See what I mean. So difficult.

What to do next?

Keep working on your skills. Be a better person. Something will come up.

OK!

sad.

missing old friends.

Learning to trust

Sometimes I'm not willing to let go and trust that things will be okay. I find it really hard. Perhaps that's a side effect of always seeing the 'smaller picture', focussing overmuch on details, whatever you want to call it. Perhaps if I could do a 'big picture' view, take a mental step back, predict the likely outcomes, and observe the situation dispassionately, that would be easier. I'd realise that it would all work out, and my petty complaints that 'things aren't perfect' would appear unnecessary.

So I struggle with the more general kind of trust. It seems wired into me, somehow. Why? Don't know. I'm just uptight, probably. Hmm... Then there's the more specific, personal kind of trust. I'm not sure how trusting I am on a personal level. It would probably depend on the person, how well I know them, my relationship to them, that sort of thing. I feel sure I could be trusting for people close to me. But sometimes people point out that I'm not.

It would be interesting to test out trust levels. For a day, I could observe situations where I'm being asked to put trust in someone, or trust in a situation, and see what my response is/was.
With all such observations, I suppose there's a small chance that the observing process affects the outcome, but still... worth a try.

I guess in the end, if I want to change, I can. In any case, it's definitely possible to be *too* trusting...

Word of the day: dispassionate.
adjective
not influenced by strong emotion, and so able to be rational and impartial: she dealt with life's disasters in a calm, dispassionate way.

Yep.

The Dismissal of Detail

There are people in the world, like me, who are intent on 'getting it right'. People who notice and point out other people's mistakes. Editors. Correctness nerds.
I'm learning to let go sometimes. To allow mistakes, to let things slide.
The turning point can be summed up in a couple of phrases.

"You can't expect people to do something they don't want to do."

This one has been revelatory to me. All the goodwill and good intent in the world can't fix something that doesn't WANT to be fixed. If a problem needs your help, people will usually ask. Then the challenge is not to overstep what's appropriate for the situation.

It's difficult, then, to know whether to step in or not. Do you attempt to be proactive, and solve a problem, only to find out your help isn't welcome? Or do you sit quietly seeing as you haven't been asked, only to discover your help would have been invaluable! Every situation requires individual judgement and each person's own store of wisdom based on experience. My 'rule' is there as a guide only. But it's very useful.

My other decision:

"If an action or inaction affects everyone, then make it known. If it affects only yourself, fix it yourself. If it's of no consequence, leave it."

This one is about not making a bigger deal out of things than is necessary. It's about prioritising - what actually IS important for everyone to know, and what isn't. It's also about learning to live with inadequacies, insufficiencies, incorrectnesses, inconsistencies, and that is something that takes time... possibly a lifetime!

Never mind. Even if everyone around us isn't perfect, we can still be perfect.... right?! :P

Ha. Pursuit of perfection... never fear. I'm not that naïve.

Room travel

Looking back at one of my posts from last year, about cleaning my room. Well that made progress, but I thought I'd knock it over in 3 months, while writing a symphony! Yeah....right. Out of around 40 boxes of my stuff, I still have 7 to sort through. Why has it taken so long? My work methods are flawed. I want to read everything. I want to keep lots of things. I lack willpower and focus. These are things I am working on. A friend gave me some exercises to practise, daily, in order to help me keep my focus. As for reading everything, that may not change. As for keeping lots of things, I kind of despair a bit. I am in the habit of keeping things 'just in case'. I have improved. I don't keep everything now, but it's still hard to part with my things... despite never really looking at them.

This post was going to be about something completely different, namely, difficult decisions coming up about travel plans, whether or not I want to go places. But reading that older post about my plans for this year made me want to write about that. Sorting my boxes at the rate I've been going is almost a full-time job. It sounds so silly. How important is stuff? They're just things. We're together and that's all that matters. Anyway.

So, travel plans. Would you go play a gig somewhere if you had to fly there and back, and you weren't getting paid, and it was really close to Christmas, and you might not make rehearsals, and you had a week of stressful performances beforehand?

Ah, the muso life.

Keep on going.

Keep on going
Just keep on going
And then
When you're nearly there
Keep on going...

Until you get there.

And then

Keep on going.

Normal

Dear others,

to counteract all the posts about deep and meaningful and mysterious subjects which are always hiding something, here's a post about the everyday.

So I did some sax practice today. Very rare. I'm sort of so-so about playing my sax, I like it but it doesn't thrill and enthuse me the way improvising on piano does. But I recognise that it's what I'm good at, and I see how it's probably the skill I've honed the most. Therefore it's useful. I'll try to keep it up.

I finished reading an interesting-but-not-so-relevant-anymore excerpt from my Teaching degree, about portfolios being used for assessment. And how standards-based teaching assessments are becoming the norm. Practically foreshadowing the NAPLAN tests. I don't know what year it was published but I'm pretty sure it was before NAPLAN came in. The reading was very much (like my Teaching lecturers were) about alternative methods of assessing kids, and how you can't just test them for what they can remember and spit out, because that doesn't represent how kids are really doing. Plus, it can have negative effects, they'll compare their scores and some may feel bad - even though that might not be their strength. There are many ways kids learn, some are more socially intelligent, some are more creative, and standardised tests don't detect or reward that stuff.

Anyway, to its credit the excerpt was saying you should use a variety of assessments, including tests. There's a place for everything.

I have to go to dinner.

My composing is going okay, but I'm running out of money, or at least I'd have to dig into savings if I want to keep going without a job. Maybe it's time to get something part-time.

Not sure where my life is heading.

Keep warm.

The Year 2012

An ode to the year gone, where 'ode to' means 'much abbreviated analysis of'.

I travelled to Canberra, met new people, had a great time. The first few months were awesome. I conducted, wrote music, helped direct some kids in Lord of the Rings, and played hacky sack. My artistic skills were being used more than ever before. I learnt about Steiner and his philosophies for teaching - an introduction. Visited the National Gallery, the National Library and jammed with some jazz guys at ANU.

 Then we travelled around Australia, 21 of us, teaching in schools, driving everywhere, and that was awesome too. I was in an accident though - a truck sideswiped our van coming over a bridge. Nobody was hurt, but my friend who owns the van was extremely upset. Sadly, the van, which had been her home for years, wasn't salvageable. Over the year, my relationship with my girlfriend suffered. We kept in touch and kept trying. The tour ended in the tiny NSW town of Uki (yoo-kye, rhymes with pie) where the school had only about 50 kids, or some such tiny number. I could see Mount Warning from my hosts' house.

Then the choir went overseas! First stop Taiwan. Wow, travelling with musicians, being hosted by local families, strict schedules of performances and teaching grade 1 and 2's, scenery and activities, everything new and interesting. And tiring! By the time we got to Beijing, everyone was tired and/or sick. That's where Mags and I went on a break. Later, she sent me an email saying she didn't want to get back together. The tour continued in Russia, 3 days of train travel to Moscow, then Europe. After Russia, Europe was welcome, a little less scary without angry train guards. Latvia was full of beautiful food and the capital city was my first experience of a European 'old town' - usually found in the city centre. Estonia was a wonderful experience, the language, lovely people, the culture that has survived years of oppression by various other countries. Finland, astonishing architecture of St. Petersburg, choirs galore in a 'Singing World' choir festival, Germany, Autobahns! Then the stunning mountains of Austria, passed through them on our way to Lake Balaton in Hungary. We stayed there for a while, rehearsing and preparing for the hectic performances we had coming up, re-working the Ring Bearer play (LOTR) and perfecting our choir pieces. Here, I finally revealed to the choir my secret project of making a piece for everyone. Some enthusiastic people started to sing them. Budapest, one of my favourite cities of the tour, and a heaven-sent week rehearsing with an inspiring conductor of a Waldorf choir. He made me think strongly about the way I was singing. He made each note important, every nuance crucial. Also, his choir was heaps of fun! Venice - could've spent ages in Venice, canals, bridges, tiny shops. Driving through Italy, one hairy moment when a truck tried to merge in front of me without looking. Almost had a heart attack, but he acknowledged his mistake as I drove past. Drove into Switzerland across the mountains. A week teaching year 10s and 11s, sleeping in the classrooms. A week in Germany teaching workshops - finally, my years of German study were used!! Discovered that I have much more German to learn... our hosts were awesome and clicked perfectly. Another week in Switzerland, sleeping in a yurt in the front yard. Then finally - the week off! Like every good road trip, loaded the car with awesome people, great music, drove through Geneva and into France. Stayed a few days in the peaceful Taizé monastery. Drove through France with no co-driver, making some 8-hour days of driving for me. Medieval Carcassone, walled city of wonder, then the Camino trail into Spain, walking around 24 kms every day, then ferrying the cars back and forth each night to catch up with us. No wonder I was exhausted... finally arrived in Pamplona in the middle of a wild festival celebration with loud crackers going off every 30 seconds, brass bands, people everywhere, cute streets and wide alleys. A couple more cities in Spain, Bilbao and San Sebastian. According to the local people, this area is Basque, not Spanish. The Basque want independence from Spain.  A magnificent concert in Bilbao, one of our best ever. Driving through France again to Cherbourg, where the ferry workers were on strike. Most of the choir made it to England except the four drivers, who had to return the cars. We had an extended stay in the picturesque French seaside town Roscoff. Poor us! We languished there awhile, with our red wine and our hotel rooms, until the ferry to England could be managed. England shocked me in so many ways, mostly the crazy hedgerow lanes which the locals would zoom along as though nobody could possibly be coming the other way! New cars in England - I drew the short straw for the luggage van, but it wasn't so bad. Having only one person to talk to was a nice change from six! Staying in Totnes we saw Dartmoor, I had a professional massage for my hard work driving on the Camino, and we spent time rehearsing my pieces for performance in York..... on the way to York, we visited the astounding Wells Cathedral. And in York - the WORLD PREMIERE of my choir piece, Night Walk, and four of the name pieces... I could've died with happiness! Kids loved us at this school. I met a guy from Bendigo living in York... stayed with a friendly teacher named Helen. Two days driving North took us to Kirkwall, in the Orkney Islands, Scotland - incredible scenery, almost no trees, windy, cold, sea all around, heather and heath, peat bogs, ancient civilisations (5000 years old!) ... and small but appreciative audiences. And Scottish accents. A divine week staying in a house with no hosts, myself and 3 others cooking and looking after ourselves for once... driving back to Heathrow airport we passed through the quaint town of Berwick-Upon-Tweed by the sea, could have spent longer there. Well finally England was done and we flew to India for two weeks. The noise! The car horns! The bikes, the tuk-tuks, the colours! The spices! A delightful week teaching recorder in Bangalore with Dutch hosts, the local school small and dirty, but enthusiastic and fun kids. Best train trip ever North to Hyderabad (fearing the worst) where we had entree, mains, and dessert presented to us without expecting any such thing. Hyderabad, our last stop for the tour. We stayed in deceptively luxury-looking houses, which turned out to have sporadic water and electricity services - 3 days without a shower was pretty rough! My most intensive teaching week of the year, I taught a minimum of 4 classes every day, including singing, recorder, music theory, and two improvisation classes. Rohan bought some proper fireworks at a market which he let off on the last couple of nights. They were huge! And impressive! Everyone was really worn down in the last week, it was stressful and horrible sometimes, but for me, I was on a high teaching these classes I really enjoyed, and I got great feedback from people in the classes telling me how good they were. On the last night, a massive performance of The Ring Bearer to an auditorium which could hold up to 2000 people (probably about 600 attended) cemented a successful week and year.

Leaving India was painful, a series of goodbyes as we farewelled some choir members staying longer in India, then some people left us in Kuala Lumpur, then everyone else parted ways in Sydney. I made my way home to Melbourne, came home with Dad to Kangaroo Flat...
...and have been here since.

November and December have passed quickly. Catching up with friends, family, Christmas cards, cleaning my room, composing, thinking, doing chores for my parents, one of my bands did an album launch in Melbourne which I played at. Trying to keep fit, trying to keep in touch with various people. Life. You know.

For me, it's been a great year. It's given me a lot to look forward to and countless experiences I can treasure forever. But I think a drawn-out breakup across 5 countries took its toll, as did a year of working with people who weren't completely satisfied with their decision to come on tour, not to mention a brilliant but often stressful director, who told us at the end of the tour how difficult she found us to work with. She certainly had a mammoth task, and I'm glad it wasn't me doing all the organising.

Well, goodbye, 2012. You weren't the end of the world. And hopefully, you were the start of new and exciting things in my life. I'll miss you, a bit.

Life in Kangaroo Flat

Hello.

So Christmas 2012 came and went, and was fine. Since I wrote that last post I've actually made some decent progress on the symphony, although I'm still only up to the first movement... but it's gathering momentum towards the GFC! I can sense it. So Doug heard what I've done and likes it, I think. He maybe wants a bit more tension, but the music is still happening before the market crash, when the public didn't really know anything was wrong. So I think the light-hearted mood of making money is fitting.

Then, CRASH!

And more progress has been made on these name pieces, for the Wayfarers. I'm starting to type up the tricky ones, record some using my own voice (singing bass and soprano parts is hard!), and finishing off the last ones in my notebook. I pretty much finished another one two nights ago - have to have another look at it and see if I like the ending.  There are only 5 to go now, bar my own. Yayy!! I love them so much. They are like these beautiful little gems, all different, all really interesting and pretty. That works as a metaphor for the people too, although of course people aren't perfect.... but then neither are my pieces :P I'm just really happy about how they're going to sound, and I can't wait to have them sung by a choir.

Which incidentally, should be happening around February 2014. The director of Wayfarers has told me she wants to perform a concert of MY MUSIC. Just mine! No-one else's! Staggering. And exciting.

I haven't worked on my piano/voice pieces, much. I've started compiling a list of my repertoire, and it's small, and needs polishing. So I need to write more pieces and make the ones I have performable. The symphony has been taking priority... along with my room.

People don't think cleaning my room should take as long as it's taking. It's most likely true. But tough, that's the way I'm doing it! I'm working through methodically, making progress, and there's still a long way to go. I think it'll get easier as I get to each new box and go 'another box of THIS stuff?' For now, I'm just kind of observing what I have, and how much of it I have. Yeah yeah, I'm chucking stuff out too. But I'll probably throw out more when I know what there is. Know what I mean? Having one shelf of books is fine, but then when I get to three more boxes of books, suddenly there are too many damn books, and I need to cull.


Mmm, I need to CULL. to CULLLL.... I really do. And I am! And I shall. Hurrah. Then I can stop worrying about all the primary school workbooks and scrapbooks I 'still have sitting back at home' because... they won't be there!

Also, I've been watching a lot of TV. Surprisingly. My parents recorded the Olympics opening ceremony, which I missed whilst overseas. Doc Martin. Spooks. Whose Line Is It Anyway? Hogfather (good adaptation of the book, but horrifically long and slow). Redfern Now (great show). Wallander. Merlin - unsurprisingly I guess, given there's a character named after me.... however. I've really been missing Naruto, and Star Trek: TNG. I'm up to season 4 of TNG, could get it out from the local vid store. But I have to wait to watch Naruto, because I've been watching it with a friend. So I'm desperately trying to avoid spoilers which keep popping up whenever I see new mangas of the series... or episodes....aagh!!

Emotionally, I thought I was fine, but I've recently discovered I feel insecure and depressed again when I'm on my own. Clearly, no matter how much I like my own space, I still need... well, whatever you want to call it. Romance, love, hugs. People. That stings. I want to be able to live life on my own terms. Not to need contact - to be able to go it alone. Well, I could. The question is whether it would ever happen. I doubt it. I like love.

Now seems as good a time as any to dissect the year. It's the last day, after all.

It's long. I'll make it a new post.

So yeah. That's life in Kangaroo Flat.

Composition

OK, someone requested that I write about this piece I've been commissioned to write, so I'll do that.

As an aside, I've been thinking what it'd be like to have a Twitter account (but not actually considering getting one - heaven forfend!)... through the day, I often come up with phrases, or a concept, or a thought I want to share. The problem I have with Tweeter is that if you're in the mindset of posting often, there's the potential for more trash to seep through. I guess it's okay for people who are perpetually inventive. (Don't know whether I'm in that category.)

In any case I like blogging because it (theoretically) allows for more considered writing. Although stupidly, I don't really plan that much at all... I just go 'oh, I haven't blogged in a while' and I get on here and write something down quick and post it. But I guess there's a difference between blogging and writing a book, as well.

They're all points on the spectrum. In the end, the kind of blogging I do is like today's news. Here today, and gone tomorrow. Except if I post something more meaningful.

Which I may do now.

Christmas 2006, Geelong.
Doug: Gawain, I want to get you to write a piece for my company, Professional Wealth. It'll be the Professional Wealth Symphony.
Gawain: (laughing, not entirely serious) Well, I don't know. I'm more kind of writing songs at the moment.

Doug's 40th Birthday.
Gawain: I wrote a song for your birthday, Doug. It's not finished but I can play you what I have.
Doug: Sure.
G: (sings) Doug, you are forty, and now you're a man. Well maybe you were before. What age can't destroy, your hot water bill can, and nothing is new anymore.
G: uh... that's all I have at this stage.
D: (laughs) well that's great Gawain. But what I really want to hear is that Professional Wealth symphony.
G: (nervous laugh) Yeah.

Christmas 2010, Geelong.
Gawain is working part-time at Melbourne University Library and teaching a few students, but generally has a low income and lots of free time.
D: I don't think this Professional Wealth piece is ever going to be finished, is it Gawain? What's it going to take for you to finish it?
G: (thinking as a jobless musician) Well..... you could pay my rent for a month.
D: ...Okay then. How much is that?
G: (paying more attention) Wait what? You'd do that?
D: Well sure, I want this piece finished.
G: Wow! Okay then. Sure thing!
D: Now I was thinking of doing a piece based on the Global Financial Crisis. It could be in three movements....

*Discussions ensue. It is decided that Doug will pay Gawain half of the money upfront and another half on completion of the project, plus a $100 bonus. Additionally, he will cover all recording costs including musicians and studio time should it be necessary.*
*The piece will be (ostensibly) about the global financial crisis (the GFC). Three movements are planned. The first movement will depict the conditions that led to the crisis. The second movement will deal with the actual crash and its immediate aftermath. The third movement will be a representation of the bitter results for many, mixed with a sense of cautious hope for the future.*

To begin with, progress on the GFC Symphony was slow, but steady. As I could have predicted, I didn't devote as much time to it as I should have, and therefore didn't meet my initial deadline of a month. However I still had time, so I kept writing. Doug has a radio spot every month, which was a motivation - imagine my piece being played on his show!
 

Later in the year, I got a full-time job, which I wasn't expecting. After working for a couple of weeks, giving myself initial time to settle in to the routine of full-time work, it became apparent that my spare time was extremely limited and I wasn't devoting enough time to finishing the composition. So time passed, with me working full-time, not writing music, and not staying in contact with my beneficiary.... what must he have thought? I was scared to be in touch again, and admit my failure. "Hi Doug... it's still not finished." Fear of my failings is perhaps one of my failings.

At the end of the standard 6 month probation period, my job told me I hadn't met enough of my weekly sales targets, and they would have to terminate my employment. Yes: it was the first time I've ever been fired. And it was hard to accept. But being let go from my job had many successful outcomes. Suddenly, I had all of 2012 before me - free, available, and there for the taking. And into the 2012 void stepped Wayfarers Australia. Which I wrote about a little bit in my travel blog (see below).

Well, I had to make a quick decision if I wanted to join the choir, because they were finalising numbers. So after a stressful decision-making process, I decided to leave my home and tour Australia and the world for a year with this choir. But before I left, there was family Christmas - which meant seeing Doug.

Christmas 2011, Geelong.
Doug: Well Gawain, how's my symphony going?
Gawain: (sweats) I can play you some of the key themes I've come up with?
D: (laughs) Okay.
G: (plays through the main themes from each movement on piano)
D: Wow Gawain, that's really cool! It's not exactly what I had in mind, but it's very good.
G: Thanks Doug. I'll keep working on it, but as I'm going away next year, I don't know how much I can get done...
D: Oh, there'll be time! On a plane... waiting for a bus... Email me your expenses.
G: (happily surprised) Thanks Doug! I'll do my best!

I took the GFC Symphony drafts with me to Canberra, where the Wayfarers met. As I looked over what I'd done of the GFC, however, I realised that I didn't want to write out ideas any more - I already had them. I wanted to start to pull ideas together. I wanted to make it into a symphony, rather than a collection of ideas. Sadly I figured I needed a computer for that. So I put off writing the GFC symphony - again. Instead, I spent the year writing choral music. Some exciting things happened. Singers liked my music. A world premiere of my choir piece 'Night Walk' in England, alongside some smaller pieces I was writing about everyone in the choir, was a huge success. People have urged me to continue composing.

Now, I'm back in Australia. I've taken a few months off to compose the GFC Symphony, and the rest of my pieces about people in the Wayfarers, and clean my room. I'm ready to go. Nothing can stop me.

But first, Christmas 2012 looms...

Travel blog

Hi folks.

This year, in case you haven't heard, I'm out of Melbourne for about 10 months, travelling with a choir. We're touring Australia (ironically, beginning with Melbourne) and then the world - Taiwan, China, Russia, Scandinavia, Britain and India.

This choir does so many different musical, dramatic and artistic activities, I don't know if I can summarise them sufficiently. Let me simply say that I'm having a fantastic time. Most of all I am enjoying the chance to do some serious and sustained composing!!

Anyways, I've started a travel blog for the year. I'll probably be just as bad at updating it as this one. But in case you're interested, click on the title of this post to go there. It's at gawain2012.blog.com and the choir's website, which has all the dates and further info, is wayfarersaustralia.org

Peak Oil

This might seem random, after not having blogged for awhile.

And not having blogged anything *meaningful* for even longer. There's so much I could say. I think of writing a blog entry often these days while I'm out and about - pretty much any time I'm not actually free to write. I could write about my relationship, about my band, about my work, about my radio show, about my students, about my obsession with watching series episodes exactly in the right order, and my equal pedanticness when listening to music - how I have to listen to a whole album from start to finish, and how I try to finish listening to a song before moving on to the next one. I could write about Melbourne transport, about my car, about relatives and friends and people who live on my street, about going to bars, seeing gigs, going on a holiday to Gippsland, seeing 2 Ridley couples getting married in 2 months, about my new touchscreen phone, new glasses, about the books I'm reading, about the symphony (!) that I've been commissioned to write and should be working on right now (instead of writing this).
And just writing about what *else* I could write about has already taken far longer than I intended. I was only going to say:

Peak Oil. Thoughts?

My reason for asking is that plastic comes from oil. Is there plastic that doesn't contain oil? Perhaps. But if not, then in a hundred years there would be no new plastic available. I...think that's right.
Of course peak oil has more ramifications than just for plastic. Cars, aeroplanes, rockets... I dunno... anything that uses oil is threatened when oil runs out.
My dad just sent me this article about peak oil. And there was a bit where it said how much the Australian government was spending on maintaining roads and stuff. Which suddenly seemed odd, if cars were going to run out of fuel. So then I pictured this apocalyptic future in like, 300 years or something, where all the countries have these giant unusable networks of roads with no cars. *tumbleweed drifts by*
But that's unrealistic anyway, because there are already hybrid cars and stuff which can run on ....uh, not oil. Hmm. And in 300 years we will probably have researched other sources of fuel or transport. So my scenario is unlikely, I guess.
Anyway, I was interested in your thoughts.

Also, if one of the things I mentioned earlier took your fancy, and you want to know more about that aspect of my ever-so-tedious life, let me know. I suppose I want to write about whatever's most interesting :) ...and also what interests me, of course...hence the peak oil.

Bye now

Days of our wives.

Yesterday my housemates and I watched episodes of the following:
Star Trek: Voyager
Avatar
Naruto

I also did many other things.
I carried the spare TV into the shed. I swept and cleaned the shed, discovering a '4 hour parking' sign and some tools in the process. I set up my new printer and (after much gnashing of teeth) it now functions wirelessly. I spoke to some people on my mobile. Cleared some boxes out of my room. Printed and signed this year's contract for work at ERC. Finished the Sandman comic 'Brief Lives'. Made passable minestrone. Ate chocolate. Played a new piece of piano music to a visitor. Laughed.

It was a good holi-day. But ... I don't know. Somehow, I didn't relax totally. I feel like if I do, I'll lose control. I'll just be like one of those people who disappear into WOW and emerge a year later. Or maybe it's just how my brain works - always searching for something else, always looking out.
Either way, I remain uptight. Alert. Concerned. Bright...
And stuck.


The energy you push into one side,
Is the energy you take from the other side

Games

This is a little random. I've been meaning to post for a while. Have been very busy - lots of work and socialising.

Oh, and girlfriend-time. But that's not what this blog post is about.

Well so far, as I haven't got to the point yet, that *is* what it's about. Anyway. Just my humorous talking here.
To myself.
bla bla bloop....

A list of games I thought of for Mitchell's 'Pixel Party' - the costume theme was a game character. Didn't know what to do with the list. It's a cool list. It makes me happy to look at. So I thought I'd share it.
I should point out that I haven't necessarily played all these games. Some of them I only vaguely know. But most are familiar to me, and some are my favourites.

Pokemon
Mario - Koopa Troopa
Streetfighter
MK (Mortal Kombat for those of you playing at home)
Descent II
Excalibur
Soul Caliber
Space Cab
Sim City - skyscraper?
Halo
Fable
Call of Duty
Glider Pro - paper planes! rubber bands!
N - ninja
Zelda - Goron/Link/fairy
Pacman - ghost!
Frogger
Naruto
Neopets
Spyro - sheep?
Final Fantasy
Tony Hawk's Pro Skater

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Plans

And it came to me then
That every plan
Is a tiny prayer to Father Time

And yet, one day... one day all this will be powder, and you will be king.

I wish I could write something inspiring, but I'm dredged of hope.
I wish I didn't wallow so much, and think about my failures so much, but I look in the mirror and see only flaws.
I wish I ... it's useless wishing, anyway.
You need to hope. That is vital. I guess that's why we're still here, though. We haven't lost hope yet.

But it's kind of a dull, blunted hope. A wearied subconscious thought that someday it will be better. Not a sparkling, joyful, alive feeling. No, not a feeling - a knowing. The kind of hope where you expect the best, because really, how is anything else possible?

Felix Felicis. The elixir of life. The vitality of youth.

I'm getting old...

Ashamed

He wandered through cities
Through water and trees
Of verdant impression
Of sibilant breeze

The walk made him weary
The sun made him sit
He noticed the darkness
Nearby in a pit

"Elation has left me
So now I shall die."
And right then he gathered
To jump without cry

But something delayed him
Something unseen
He sat with a sigh
What else could it mean?

The journey not over,
He set off again
Exploring the mountains
In tumbling rain

The beaches, the meadows
The sun far above
Though never he knew it
What held him was love.

(Aww!)
Well... it wasn't originally going to be quite that... simple. But it sits so perfectly!
That'll do for now. It's late. I might do an alternate ending later. Maybe with more blood. Heehee~
Title of this post? Separate from the poem. I think.