Jump Into The Fire

I've been working heaps. And getting pretty exhausted. Which ain't such a good idea, because when I get tired I get depressed. In fact I'm thinking a lot about life and getting older, sometimes in a sad way and sometimes not. I guess my looming 21st has something to do with it, but a lot of it comes from my job too. Working with these people, many of whom are younger than me (although I thought they were all older...) makes me realise once more who the world is made up of. Uni was a welcome break from the secondary school kids, the majority of people in the world, the ones who go into trades and keep the world functioning, the 'mass consumers', the ones who lap up all the ... the stuff which is in the world. The ones who don't seem to search. Not belittling the awesome people I work with now, but just appreciating what I had in college and at uni. Those people were much more LIKE ME. They were intelligent, questioning, crazy and accepting. At work I just sometimes feel like I'm back in primary school again, with the big kids picking on me, unable to say anything. Everything to those sort of people is immediate, very much concerned with what's happening 'at the moment'. The past and the future are vague boundaries, not to be worried about. Of course I don't feel picked on most of the time, otherwise I would have complained. I'm getting used to the joking atmosphere, people pushing each other around and dealing with insults. I don't think I was ever good at that; or maybe I was too good at it. In fact it's just some of the chefs I feel belittled by, whereas at times with the waiters I feel out of place, like I don't belong. Chefs are just bastards though. They're manageable, and they are funny, and incredibly dirty (in the sexual sense). And the waiters may be young out-there party people concerned mostly with the here and now, but they are really nice - naturally this is a prerequisite for a waiter. They're great, and not only that, but they're also intelligent... in a different way. I can't figure it out. They're socially brilliant, of course, and perhaps that's it. To be good at conversation, you have to be able to talk about a variety of things, and that's what makes you intelligent.
Anyway, thinking about who these people are, it makes me kinda despair. On the one hand I want to envy them, for being able to do everything without worrying if it's right or wrong, for not needing to wonder about consequences. And for their worldliness... sometimes I feel so naïve and clueless. On the other hand I'm glad of my uni education and my desire for more of it, and somehow, of what innocence I retain. Ah, and I'm swearing a lot more, just in the last week or so. I have a few different theories as to why, but I'll wait and see how that pans out.

Meh, so. Life continues. Death approaches. DCFC's album 'Plans' has a lot to say about death, and love, and how they combine. It's incredibly intelligent stuff. Thanks Vertigo. ;)