Monday, December 21, 2015

Lost.


Not coping.

No direction. Depressed thoughts. Emotional walls. Self-pity and self-frustration. Longing to escape. Nothing makes it worthwhile. Can't understand myself or others. Can't see a way to make things work. Can't seem to co-exist with anyone peacefully. Feel myself hopelessly continuing patterns of behaviour I've tried to change.

I usually write on this blog when I'm unhappy, which I've noted before. So... perhaps it's not all that bad.

Hopefully next year is better.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey Gawain,
Been following your blog for a while, and drop in ever so occasionally to read your posts. Sounds a bit stalkery :P but I have been in similar emotional places to where you are, and I am always rooting for you to come out on top.

Can I just say that if you only post when you are unhappy and you've only posted four times in the past year that you are doing better than most of us? :) Not all of us document when we are sad, maybe so that we only have the future to look forward to.

Good luck with 2016!

Hui Wen

The Saxman said...

Hey, Hui Wen.
I was so grateful for your response in Feb, and have been meaning to respond.

You're absolutely right. The last few years, with their minimal updates, have been pretty good ones for me.
I actually forgot I wrote this post in December. I thought I was doing pretty well last year, on the whole. It's good to remember that that wasn't always the case. It wasn't an easy year, for many reasons. Near the end of 2015 I moved house 5 times in 5 months, that was pretty awful.

Things have really started looking up for me since then, anyway. This year I've been feeling as though I've very much found my place in the world. Although I really think it's the product of everything that's happened to me over the last few years. The result of a lot of soul-searching, re-scripting, re-learning, as well as holding down some steady jobs for a while, and finding a place to call home.

Thanks for your silent support. It means a lot!! I'm touched that you have been thinking of me. <3
Not sure if I am doing better than most. I think I come on here to post when I need to vent and feel like doing it in a personal way rather than directly to a friend... maybe other people have friends to talk to?

I didn't quite understand your last comment. "Not all of us document when we are sad, maybe so that we only have the future to look forward to." What did that mean? Most people look forward to blogging when they're happy?
Anyway, the future is the *only* thing people can look forward to... :P