Ungrateful wretch!

I'm a student, at Melbourne uni, studying Music and Education. Yeah, it's a double degree. No, no exams...just lots of assignments... but I prefer exams, assignments aren't my thing... It's getting towards the end of the year you know... busy times. Lots to do. Then I have placement in a couple of weeks, at Eltham High School. I'm a bit nervous about that, but more worried about getting there on time - it's an hour and a half from my house. I'm going to see if I can

I'm studying at Melbourne uni, Music and Teaching. 4th year. yeah, but I would have been fifth year... I took a year off after second year... oh, just worked for a year, learnt to live independently, you know - went grocery shopping, learnt to cook... did my washing, all that stuff. Worked a lot actually, i got independence from Centrelink. Still working there... one shift a week... oh, I have two jobs now, did you know? I'm also

I'm at uni. Ah, music and education. Well, music teacher is one option... but I hope to do a lot of things, you know.... teach, play, compose, travel... with music you have to be flexible. I think teaching jobs won't be too hard to find... but it's not really what I want to do long term...I mean I enjoy it, but I've always wanted to write music. mm, I just don't have time - I'm pretty much failing uni. Maybe in the holidays, yeah... but that never seems to happen. I don't know, actually I took a year off after second year to write music, but I

I'm a uni student. Um, Melbourne... yeah. Music and Teaching. I play the saxophone... a bit of piano... and I sing too... and I write music, but ...hm? Ah, not so much any more. This year I've just been too busy with education stuff. I've played it once or twice. Actually, I'm learning the flute at the moment. so I can teach it, because a lot of teaching jobs ask for you to be able to teach a family of instruments, like for woodwind you need probably clarinet, saxophone, flute. mmm... have you played it since? Mmm fair enough... you can't do everything!


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Their eyes met, but only briefly. That was awkward enough. Oliver looked to his right, to avoid tension, and found himself staring back. A poster on the wall advertising next week's concert contained an old photo of him - the one they took when he first got here. A broad smile, eyes crinkling with happiness, his wavy hair hung dryly over his ears. A time of hope and somewhat attractive naivety. He looked away in disgust. The audience chatter died a little - the concert was about to begin. He slumped down in his seat and pushed his knees into the seat in front. There was no way out now... he settled back and and tried to empty his mind.

My new motto?

My life is quite different these days.

Instead of being driven by a self-chosen purpose, I'm besieged by possibilities. Instead of being sure about my values and my beliefs (although that may have been a LONG time ago) I'm constantly forced to re-examine my position on this and that.

I spent a long time on Facebook yesterday reading comments on a group forum (the group was 'One Body of Christ Experiment (all Christians on Facebook)') about various views on homosexuality and the differing Christian interpretations of the Bible on this. The same day, I spent ages reading the history of BP and how it was closely linked to the overthrow of the Iranian government with the help of the CIA. Wow, even the British played nasty for oil in the 50s!

Today, I had a class about policy in Education and we outlined the 8 issues we can choose for our scenario presentation. These are:
- Student Voice and Real Roles
- Family Change
- Racism
- Gender
- Sexual Orientation
- Social Class
- Indigenous Education
- Post-compulsory pathways

I chose gender. Perhaps because of my teaching round in an all-girls' school last semester... as my lecturer said, some may argue that all the bridges have been burned and feminism has had its desired impact and gender is no longer an issue, but this is of course not true.

Also today, for a reflective piece I have to write for the same subject, I've been reading about social justice and somehow got onto Jainism and smegma (which you can look up yourself). Wikipedia, how ridiculously time-consuming, but how enlightening.

I guess what I'm saying is that I'm doing a lot of thinking. Especially about my future and how I can salvage my life into something more worthwhile. Like, perhaps I should be doing more to help disadvantaged people? Or people with measles? Measles are awful.

Who wouldn't want to help a bemeasled person anyway!






Bah!


Oh yes, the reason behind the title. I was thinking my new motto should be 'one thing at a time'. I'm always feeling overwhelmed by the number of things I want to achieve. But I'm probably being unrealistic. In any case, I think I'll be able to focus better by limiting myself to just getting one thing achieved.

I realise this sounds like a particularly 'guy' thing to need to do. lol@gender issue again...


the end.

Ah, the pain!

Le Pain!

The Pursuit of Happy

I may have been deposed from my position of contentedness.

I may have lost my privileged seat in the realms of carefree childhood laughter.

But no matter!

I have been roughly tossed into the ranks of the countless millions moving towards the common goal of a happy life.

Some are marching, others are hunting. Others are unsure of their target. Others still are merely going along for the ride.

But no matter!

I will find happiness with the rest of them.


--written 25th March, 2008.

moneyyyy

I have it! I've done the hard work ok! I want to spend it! But I don't have time to go shopping! grr

Lessee:
New shoes
Guitar (i don't need it but want is a strong factor)
XLR-XLR microphone cable so I can actually USE my new microphone
Headphones
Metal mixing bowl so I can melt chocolate properly - i tried melting it in the bottom of the saucepan. BIG mistake
Camera, for overseas and general use
- hmm. Is it possible to get a camera which can take videos AND act as a webcam via USB or something? The technology is there. It's hard to imagine someone hasn't made this possible. Just would be annoying to have to buy those things all separately
Suit - although I think mum's going to pay for this
yes.

Oh! I did buy a VCR for $5 at a garage sale. (The video cassette tape has fallen on hard times - how times have changed!) It comes with a remote and a sticker which says 'works fine'. I don't know whether the sticker is telling the truth as my sister has it. It's so I can watch myself conducting in class - they tape us, you know.

----------------
Now playing: Mogwai - Oh! How the Dogs Stack Up
via FoxyTunes

I'm just glad I got some clothes shopping in (courtesy of my aunt's insistance that I buy this, and this, and this, and Geelong's amazing shopping district) before uni started. I would have been in serious trouble otherwise.

Now now kiddies! Money isn't everything.
bwahaha.

Frustration

It seems like every time I start to feel comfortable in life, it all starts slipping away again. The descent into madness. Just the thought of completing seven separate subjects in a single semester, many with 1000 word essays and others with time-consuming musical arrangements and rehearsals, makes me want to sit down with myself, face to face, and say: "What are you doing? All evidence points against your success! How do you plan to achieve what you want?"

I don't even know what I want from life any more. Musically, career-wise, from university, from friends, from living arrangements.... it frustrates me just how little I know about myself now. I used to know everything I wanted, except as far as my perfect job went, which was fine as everyone figures that out in time. On the bright side, I guess I've never had a totally comfortable year since moving out of home, so it's not like the Good Years were such a short time ago and it's All Gone Wrong since then. meh...what. am. i, saying.

Anyway. Picture me floating in a sea of dark confusion, and it's night time, and the waves are getting higher, and I'm clutching a rough piece of wood for support (this could be a metaphor for the constants in life... good music? company? family? whatever) and occasionally I see a glimpse of glittery starlight, but the clouds are whipping in from the south and all I can do is hope that lightning isn't involved.

Metaphors aside, I know I've hated myself for a long time. To some extent or other, I have always disliked - often intensely - aspects of who I am; my identity. Which is kind of ironic right now, because in the past week I've had to discuss who I am in almost every class, and my teachers have placed a lot of importance on where we've come from, our experiences from school and so on. But even the me that I used to hate seems preferable to this aimlessness, this lack of drive. The me I used to hate knew unending joy.

I'm glad this year will be a very big change, but also quite sad because last semester was possibly the most fun I have ever had/will have at uni. I enjoyed every subject for once and my results showed it too.

It's tired and I'm late. Probably just in a mood for writing this kinda stuff. That's a strange thing though; I still seem to joke around with people a lot and enjoy laughing at stuff. But whenever I sit down to write stuff about me, it's serious and sombre. WHATEVER

your face.


Now I feel better. There's just something about saying 'your face.' I'm sure you know what I mean.