It seems like every time I start to feel comfortable in life, it all starts slipping away again. The descent into madness. Just the thought of completing seven separate subjects in a single semester, many with 1000 word essays and others with time-consuming musical arrangements and rehearsals, makes me want to sit down with myself, face to face, and say: "What are you doing? All evidence points against your success! How do you plan to achieve what you want?"
I don't even know what I want from life any more. Musically, career-wise, from university, from friends, from living arrangements.... it frustrates me just how little I know about myself now. I used to know everything I wanted, except as far as my perfect job went, which was fine as everyone figures that out in time. On the bright side, I guess I've never had a totally comfortable year since moving out of home, so it's not like the Good Years were such a short time ago and it's All Gone Wrong since then. meh...what. am. i, saying.
Anyway. Picture me floating in a sea of dark confusion, and it's night time, and the waves are getting higher, and I'm clutching a rough piece of wood for support (this could be a metaphor for the constants in life... good music? company? family? whatever) and occasionally I see a glimpse of glittery starlight, but the clouds are whipping in from the south and all I can do is hope that lightning isn't involved.
Metaphors aside, I know I've hated myself for a long time. To some extent or other, I have always disliked - often intensely - aspects of who I am; my identity. Which is kind of ironic right now, because in the past week I've had to discuss who I am in almost every class, and my teachers have placed a lot of importance on where we've come from, our experiences from school and so on. But even the me that I used to hate seems preferable to this aimlessness, this lack of drive. The me I used to hate knew unending joy.
I'm glad this year will be a very big change, but also quite sad because last semester was possibly the most fun I have ever had/will have at uni. I enjoyed every subject for once and my results showed it too.
It's tired and I'm late. Probably just in a mood for writing this kinda stuff. That's a strange thing though; I still seem to joke around with people a lot and enjoy laughing at stuff. But whenever I sit down to write stuff about me, it's serious and sombre. WHATEVER
your face.
Now I feel better. There's just something about saying 'your face.' I'm sure you know what I mean.
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Pieces of Floating Carrots... Egg Furballs.... Jolly Umbrella Fetishes..... Good Fun!
9 comments:
Woah. I had no idea things were going so crappy for you. I'm surprised, I mean, I never thought you'd be the kind of person that would ever be down. You were always so bubbly and energetic back in the day.
ANYWAY, Hang in there, kiddo. You're a great guy, and the Gawain you hate is the Gawain I love, man. And whatever Gawain you are now seems pretty cool too. Though you'd be a lot cooler if you lived in bendigo and bought me a playstation.
Remember to pump up those jams!
Gawainus, it is strange that you do seem to be really happy but then write this. THAT IS BAD! Not because you shouldn't be feeling unhappy, but if you are unhappy you shouldn't bottle it up. Seriously! If you're feeling bad you shouldn't just keep it to yourself, if something ever happens to you then no one will know because you never say anything. *flails*
Anyway on some level I agree with you. The education degree is a little overwhelming, and some of the subjects are stupidity incarnate. I loved last semester too! Yours seems like a much longer-term problem though. *flails* I'm trying not to worry ;_; YOUR FACE. You're right, it does work~
It's not all that bad guys. I'm confused, not suicidal. I'm at my happiest when around friends, so I don't really think about this stuff then.
don't worry! i'll post something more lighthearted next time. Actually, I still owe a post about somebody else.
What sort of playstation are you after Ryan? I have a PSX at home! :P
btw Mags. Here is a flail.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flail_%28weapon%29
I never thought you were suicidal Gawainus. You don't really exhibit any of those kind of symptoms (I've had several suicidal friends, believe it or not:/). You just seemed sad. When I said "if something ever happens to you then no one will know because you never say anything!" I meant more along the lines of you'll be home and depressed and feeling alone with no one to cheer you up, which can be just as bad. SO DON'T LET THAT HAPPEN, OKAY? *flails* Oh yes that was the weapon that time.
I want whatever playstation that can play singstar
My work has a PS2 console plus one of the Singstar bundles for $208, starting either next Monday or Thursday, can't remember which.
Seven subjects? That's Crazytalk. Crazytalk is my brother.
But seriously, whenever you feel down, just think about kittens. Kittens, D, B Minor, and A.
Remember that. It works for me.
D, B minor and A
It rains here everyday
On this bridge where I decay
But I don't want to go away
Hmm, kittens.
Yeah, when I look back at this post now it does seem quite ominous.
= FAILED SUBJECTS
anyway. Maybe I should've sat down and had that chat with myself.
But now it's all better! Or at least I can convince myself of that.... until it all goes wrong again. I mean, All Goes Wrong! This time I'm more optimistic though......shurely that counts for shomething? shurrrelyyyy??
nope, didn't really count for anything.
Oh well, at least I passed.
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