Suture up your future

Yeah, so lately I've been feeling scared about the future.

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Now playing: Dead Can Dance - In The Kingdom Of The Blind The One-Eyed Are Kings
via FoxyTunes

Or maybe it was just last night.


I guess for so long I haven't had to concern myself directly with my next phase of life. And now, with the sounds of Dead Can Dance ringing in my ears, I am facing changes. Ch-ch-ch-ch-yeah. Those.

still have the movie from last night ringing in my brain. Adam. I'm sure it meant something. Racoons, it has to be a metaphor for racoons. Thanks Rupert. The entire movie was a metaphor for racoons.

I've dealt with the past, kinda. Sorta. But in my own bittersweet way, I can never let it go. It all weaves into a tapestry; forms a ginormous picture. Sometimes lovely, sometimes loathsome, sometimes colourful and sometimes bland.
Mostly bland, in fact. If you consider the amount of time one person spends sleeping. That's a bland life!
Unless sleeping is exciting for you, in which case, whoa, you lead an exciting life!~

I'm never very specific on here, am I. MYSTERIOUS MYSTERIES OF STRANGE MYSTERY.

That's what you get for being a robotic chicken, Richerd. Random references to your blog, that's what you get!

I leave you with some memories and some doubts. Y'know... A little of the tapestry.













The Tree of Knowledge and Light.

4/8

Picture Gareth, huddled in the corner of the room, unnoticed by the flashy lights and wafting people, soaking up the music. It is his one addiction, the blood flowing through his arteries, the sea he wants to immerse himself in. He goes from music class to gig to shop to café, and everywhere he goes there is music playing, soft music, ugly music, sappy music, music to gyrate to. He does not really understand his addiction, or why it affects him the way it does. At the café he sees various members of society stride or drift or edge in, order food and drink, glance around and leave. The staff concentrate on their jobs. Only he sits alone, shrivelled, breathing shallow breaths of musical fulfilment.

Physics

I worked in the Physics library for 3 and a half hours today. First time. It's a very quiet place. I mean *really* quiet. Semester hasn't started yet and in any case I'm told Physics students are fairly self-sufficient - they don't ask too many questions. I was pretty much babysitting for 3 hours, except with books instead of babies... and books are infinitely easier, or so I'd imagine.

So this girl was returning some books, and I realised after she'd gone that I still had this "Ask Library Staff!" badge stuck on my shirt collar from when I was mucking around. Maybe that's why she gave me an odd look. One of her books, I saw, was called "Black Holes, Gravitational Waves, and Cosmology"... I thought that was cool. And it struck me that there's something hot about girls who study black holes.

...

And right now I'm in Frank Tate, and there's random funk music playing. How funky!

arms

oh, wow. As she would have said.

oh, wow.

Disparagingly. But it stuck.

And now it's a part of me, an invisible voice I channel. Is it wrong, holding on to it? What could go wrong?

I don't want to go mad! Not like that girl. Anna M. The movie on SBS I watched, last night. She was mental. But she was a stalker. I'd never get that caught up....
....would I?

space, the great unfilled void. Countless burning stars. What are they waiting for? They move, they hang. They wait. they sit waiting. Are they waiting for us? Stars don't fade, anyway. They disappear spectacularly. I'm not a Scientist. I might be wrong. But it's comforting, to think that if they give up, if they cease their waiting game, at least there'll be some massive sign, some gigantic explosion which we'll see ... thousands of light years too late.

Time is on your side, it's on your side.

Someone told me that talking to yourself was a really bad idea. Like, it could actually send you mad. I don't want to go mad. But I do hold one-sided conversations sometimes. Anyway, surely blogging is a way of talking to yourself? Millions of people, all over the world, mad. I don't think so.
All the same, I was concerned. I don't want to go mad.

It's probably not what I want to say, but I'm sure there's plenty of time.

Plenty of time before Swine Flu comes!

It'll come for you....never fear. And we'll all have Zombie Swine Flu Rage Virus. it'll be a massive party, a massive quarantine party with blood and arms.

arms... I crawl back into your open arms.

Chess

I played chess twice tonight. I lost both games. meh. what can I say. The housemates (Ben and James) are good players.

Feel like an empty shell sometimes, a Hollow Man. A shadow of Gawain. Right now, though, I'm fine, which is sadly less dramatic. Either way, my past should sort itself out this year, so there's not much point jinxing it now. If all goes well, it will smoothly transition into my future... assuming I finish uni at the end of this year.

There is so much to decide, now. What am I going to focus on? I don't have a specialisation, as such. No defined career. I've had a couple of job offers... if you could call them that... not including the school last year that wanted me back. It's not money that I'm concerned about, at least not yet. It's making a decision. It's choosing all that stuff in Trainspotting.

Yeah, whatever. or I could just join a band, or the circus, or something. Crawl into a little hole away from the world and just ignore all my ongoing personal issues!~

bah, love. i miss it. :(
breaking up with Mags was tough, but sooner or later I need to journey into my head, into my past, to find out why. What's the deal, Gawain. What what why. Be more constructive with your feedback, why.

exeunt
~~~~

It is coming.

I can feel it.

Sometime soon, I'm going to explode.

I can feel it. I think it may happen this year.

I've been waiting. I doubt exploding will solve anything.

But something inside me desperately longs for release.

bottling it up? perhaps.

not for long.

soon.



hmm, but I really don't want to explode... ;_;

Wow, so much has been happening.

Jono moved out.
Hagan moved out.
Meredith got married.
Ryan's wife got pregnant.
I discovered I could finish my degree in 6 months.
Centrelink paid me.
Oceans moved. At least sideways, if not vertically.
I played Singstar and was awesome at it!
I returned from overseas.
Loclan, Mags and I ate dumplings.
Magdalen started her teaching rounds.
I dropped Teaching.
It was hot.

*the above events are not in chronological order*

And coming up soon, folks:
Loclan's birthday is Saturday
James McGregor moves in Sunday
We need a 4th housemate until August, when Rohan moves in
I am going to decide some things about life!

Scary, but important, times.

Mood: apathetic, generally. With so many exciting things going on, how could i be excited? The things themselves generate their own excitement.
But it's more than that. I need a wake-up call. I need to love uni again. I need to develop glands again.

That's assuming apathetic isn't a valid emotion right now..... i mean it's rather hot.

Kiss, Hug, Die!
Gawain

Travel Blog

Heye dudes

...is that hi or hey? anyways, I'm overseas right now and to get THE GOSS on what's HIP AND HAPPENING over here CHECK OUT my other blog at introspectivedreams.blog.com

so YEAH umm madness!

this blog will be more properly updated once I'm not overseas any more. And can write a little more freely.... if y'know what I mean.

Until then, refrain. And stay sane.
Gawain.

Ungrateful wretch!

I'm a student, at Melbourne uni, studying Music and Education. Yeah, it's a double degree. No, no exams...just lots of assignments... but I prefer exams, assignments aren't my thing... It's getting towards the end of the year you know... busy times. Lots to do. Then I have placement in a couple of weeks, at Eltham High School. I'm a bit nervous about that, but more worried about getting there on time - it's an hour and a half from my house. I'm going to see if I can

I'm studying at Melbourne uni, Music and Teaching. 4th year. yeah, but I would have been fifth year... I took a year off after second year... oh, just worked for a year, learnt to live independently, you know - went grocery shopping, learnt to cook... did my washing, all that stuff. Worked a lot actually, i got independence from Centrelink. Still working there... one shift a week... oh, I have two jobs now, did you know? I'm also

I'm at uni. Ah, music and education. Well, music teacher is one option... but I hope to do a lot of things, you know.... teach, play, compose, travel... with music you have to be flexible. I think teaching jobs won't be too hard to find... but it's not really what I want to do long term...I mean I enjoy it, but I've always wanted to write music. mm, I just don't have time - I'm pretty much failing uni. Maybe in the holidays, yeah... but that never seems to happen. I don't know, actually I took a year off after second year to write music, but I

I'm a uni student. Um, Melbourne... yeah. Music and Teaching. I play the saxophone... a bit of piano... and I sing too... and I write music, but ...hm? Ah, not so much any more. This year I've just been too busy with education stuff. I've played it once or twice. Actually, I'm learning the flute at the moment. so I can teach it, because a lot of teaching jobs ask for you to be able to teach a family of instruments, like for woodwind you need probably clarinet, saxophone, flute. mmm... have you played it since? Mmm fair enough... you can't do everything!


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Their eyes met, but only briefly. That was awkward enough. Oliver looked to his right, to avoid tension, and found himself staring back. A poster on the wall advertising next week's concert contained an old photo of him - the one they took when he first got here. A broad smile, eyes crinkling with happiness, his wavy hair hung dryly over his ears. A time of hope and somewhat attractive naivety. He looked away in disgust. The audience chatter died a little - the concert was about to begin. He slumped down in his seat and pushed his knees into the seat in front. There was no way out now... he settled back and and tried to empty his mind.

My new motto?

My life is quite different these days.

Instead of being driven by a self-chosen purpose, I'm besieged by possibilities. Instead of being sure about my values and my beliefs (although that may have been a LONG time ago) I'm constantly forced to re-examine my position on this and that.

I spent a long time on Facebook yesterday reading comments on a group forum (the group was 'One Body of Christ Experiment (all Christians on Facebook)') about various views on homosexuality and the differing Christian interpretations of the Bible on this. The same day, I spent ages reading the history of BP and how it was closely linked to the overthrow of the Iranian government with the help of the CIA. Wow, even the British played nasty for oil in the 50s!

Today, I had a class about policy in Education and we outlined the 8 issues we can choose for our scenario presentation. These are:
- Student Voice and Real Roles
- Family Change
- Racism
- Gender
- Sexual Orientation
- Social Class
- Indigenous Education
- Post-compulsory pathways

I chose gender. Perhaps because of my teaching round in an all-girls' school last semester... as my lecturer said, some may argue that all the bridges have been burned and feminism has had its desired impact and gender is no longer an issue, but this is of course not true.

Also today, for a reflective piece I have to write for the same subject, I've been reading about social justice and somehow got onto Jainism and smegma (which you can look up yourself). Wikipedia, how ridiculously time-consuming, but how enlightening.

I guess what I'm saying is that I'm doing a lot of thinking. Especially about my future and how I can salvage my life into something more worthwhile. Like, perhaps I should be doing more to help disadvantaged people? Or people with measles? Measles are awful.

Who wouldn't want to help a bemeasled person anyway!






Bah!


Oh yes, the reason behind the title. I was thinking my new motto should be 'one thing at a time'. I'm always feeling overwhelmed by the number of things I want to achieve. But I'm probably being unrealistic. In any case, I think I'll be able to focus better by limiting myself to just getting one thing achieved.

I realise this sounds like a particularly 'guy' thing to need to do. lol@gender issue again...


the end.

Ah, the pain!

Le Pain!

The Pursuit of Happy

I may have been deposed from my position of contentedness.

I may have lost my privileged seat in the realms of carefree childhood laughter.

But no matter!

I have been roughly tossed into the ranks of the countless millions moving towards the common goal of a happy life.

Some are marching, others are hunting. Others are unsure of their target. Others still are merely going along for the ride.

But no matter!

I will find happiness with the rest of them.


--written 25th March, 2008.

moneyyyy

I have it! I've done the hard work ok! I want to spend it! But I don't have time to go shopping! grr

Lessee:
New shoes
Guitar (i don't need it but want is a strong factor)
XLR-XLR microphone cable so I can actually USE my new microphone
Headphones
Metal mixing bowl so I can melt chocolate properly - i tried melting it in the bottom of the saucepan. BIG mistake
Camera, for overseas and general use
- hmm. Is it possible to get a camera which can take videos AND act as a webcam via USB or something? The technology is there. It's hard to imagine someone hasn't made this possible. Just would be annoying to have to buy those things all separately
Suit - although I think mum's going to pay for this
yes.

Oh! I did buy a VCR for $5 at a garage sale. (The video cassette tape has fallen on hard times - how times have changed!) It comes with a remote and a sticker which says 'works fine'. I don't know whether the sticker is telling the truth as my sister has it. It's so I can watch myself conducting in class - they tape us, you know.

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Now playing: Mogwai - Oh! How the Dogs Stack Up
via FoxyTunes

I'm just glad I got some clothes shopping in (courtesy of my aunt's insistance that I buy this, and this, and this, and Geelong's amazing shopping district) before uni started. I would have been in serious trouble otherwise.

Now now kiddies! Money isn't everything.
bwahaha.

Frustration

It seems like every time I start to feel comfortable in life, it all starts slipping away again. The descent into madness. Just the thought of completing seven separate subjects in a single semester, many with 1000 word essays and others with time-consuming musical arrangements and rehearsals, makes me want to sit down with myself, face to face, and say: "What are you doing? All evidence points against your success! How do you plan to achieve what you want?"

I don't even know what I want from life any more. Musically, career-wise, from university, from friends, from living arrangements.... it frustrates me just how little I know about myself now. I used to know everything I wanted, except as far as my perfect job went, which was fine as everyone figures that out in time. On the bright side, I guess I've never had a totally comfortable year since moving out of home, so it's not like the Good Years were such a short time ago and it's All Gone Wrong since then. meh...what. am. i, saying.

Anyway. Picture me floating in a sea of dark confusion, and it's night time, and the waves are getting higher, and I'm clutching a rough piece of wood for support (this could be a metaphor for the constants in life... good music? company? family? whatever) and occasionally I see a glimpse of glittery starlight, but the clouds are whipping in from the south and all I can do is hope that lightning isn't involved.

Metaphors aside, I know I've hated myself for a long time. To some extent or other, I have always disliked - often intensely - aspects of who I am; my identity. Which is kind of ironic right now, because in the past week I've had to discuss who I am in almost every class, and my teachers have placed a lot of importance on where we've come from, our experiences from school and so on. But even the me that I used to hate seems preferable to this aimlessness, this lack of drive. The me I used to hate knew unending joy.

I'm glad this year will be a very big change, but also quite sad because last semester was possibly the most fun I have ever had/will have at uni. I enjoyed every subject for once and my results showed it too.

It's tired and I'm late. Probably just in a mood for writing this kinda stuff. That's a strange thing though; I still seem to joke around with people a lot and enjoy laughing at stuff. But whenever I sit down to write stuff about me, it's serious and sombre. WHATEVER

your face.


Now I feel better. There's just something about saying 'your face.' I'm sure you know what I mean.

There are days when cigarette smoke smells like cornflakes.

Well, moments anyway. I just had one of those moments... but perhaps it's more to with not having had breakfast than any real resemblance between those two flavours...


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Now playing: Michael Nyman - The Scent Of Love
via FoxyTunes

Death strikes their house

One of the residents in my house committed suicide today.

As I'm not sure who it was, I'm not sure if I knew them.  There are about 40 people living here, and it's easy to go months without seeing some people.

All the same, it felt weird walking into my place tonight after work.  Everything was so quiet, and I thought of spirits and ghosts and things, the spirit of the guy who died and the spirits of people who had lived and died in this area even before the house was here.

I knew something was up earlier today when someone knocked on the caretaker's door (room next to mine).  It was a woman whose voice I hadn't heard before. She was asking the manager's daughter about something.  She mentioned her son in room 14.  I looked at room 14 on my map.  Didn't know who lived there.  Of course I was furiously eavesdropping, because eavesdropping opportunities are pretty scarce in my corridor.  My sister was in my room talking to me at the time, so I didn't catch much of the conversation.  Later on I could hear a fair bit of movement - I remember it was 1.30pm.  My sister had been leaving, but came back to my room and said "Gawain, why are the police here?"  I went outside with her. There were two police officers in the courtyard, and some guy sitting with his back against a wall, and a number of tenants standing around looking dazed.  My first thought was drugs, because I know some of the guys here are into that.  But whatever it was, I didn't feel like knowing then and there, or disturbing people unnecessarily.  I figured I'd find out soon enough.  I just escorted my sister out another way.  I heard what happened later from one of the tenants, who was obviously very shocked.

I guess there's little reason for it to affect me, but it still sounds ominous...someone I live with committed suicide.


Also one of my high school friends, Matthew Roberts, died recently.  The paper said it was sudden but I don't know what happened.  I have many fond memories of Mr. Roberts which won't elaborate on too much now, cos it's late and I'm sick.  I met him in year 7, he was the son of the year level co-ordinator.  He was fun and I went through high school with him.  Hadn't seen him for ages, and then out of the blue, he contacted me via facebook - along with other high school friends.  Unlike other high school mates, though, he wanted to catch up with me.  It was a busy time of year for me and I didn't take too much notice of his invite.  I regret that we had only just started talking again when he passed away, and hadn't had the chance to properly catch up on each other's lives, but I'm happy that we had a chance to speak again at all.  Facebook has its uses.

I feel like Death comes in clumps.  there are passages of time where you don't hear about anyone dying.  And there are times when it seems to be all around you.  That's the way I have experienced it in the past, but then again it's completely unpredictable.  All we can do is hope for the best.

Sleep=Death.  Death=Long Sleep.  Sleeping=Giving In?  Death=Giving In? Live now, Sleep when you are Dead?  or is Sleep merely a Taste of Death?  Acceptance of Death?  Is putting it off merely Putting Off the Inevitable?  What does Acceptance of Inevitable Death achieve?  Realisation and Acceptance of our Path?  or merely Resignation to our Fate? or nothing at all?

Good Night.

Alienation

A man sits by the window of his hut and looks out.  Dense green forest surrounds him, stifling the outside world.  A soft breeze brings distant bird calls and the slow swishing of leaves to his ears.

He lives alone.  He has lanterns for the dark and a river nearby to wash, and this is sufficient.  He grows beans and corn and potatoes in the clearing surrounding his hut.  He thinks to himself about joy and fear, and the unpredictable nature of emotion.  He travels through the forest often, and once in a while he plays a small wooden harp.

Never has anyone visited him here.

Did he lose his friends?  Where are his family?  Where are his connections to the human cycle?  These answers are buried in his past, buried by choice, in a heart-breaking life riddled with mistakes.  Is he a hermit?

He wonders about his own solitude.

Is he a hermit?

He knows and accepts that he is alone, and seeks to be alone, and seeks to remain forever alone.  But in his heart his craving is to lose himself entirely in another who would accept him.  Then he would know that love and death are the same.

what i am doing.

• Reading. Writing.
  
• Sleeping. Waking.
  
• Listening. Watching.
• Dressing. Walking.
• Shopping. Cooking.
• Eating. Talking.
• Travelling. Working.
• Thinking. Drinking.

• Waiting.
  

Refreezing is okay?

Hello (lol!)

I did say my next post would be about someone else's life...but you know what.... I LIED!

So I defrosted my blade steak a few nights ago, in the fridge as is good and proper. I didn't use it within a couple of days and I began to get worried. (I always freeze stuff these days because I'm only cooking for one person, and things tend to go off in the fridge.)
How long does meat keep in the fridge? I wondered. Less than a week, I was sure.

Then last night I discovered that the meat was leaking (blood, that is) and it seemed to be coming through the plastic bag I wrapped it in. This wasn't great as many other people use the fridge. I was in a hurry... so I threw it back in the freezer, instead of throwing it out.

Now I did tell some people this story, including my mother, and they all thought it was a bit dodgy... and that I should probably throw the meat out. But, boo-ya! The internet came good for me again. The above link debunks the myth that refreezing is bad (as long as it was thawed in the fridge) and the only drawback seems to be a loss of fluid from the process.

This link is more comprehensively about freezing.
http://www.fsis.usda.gov/Fact_Sheets/Focus_On_Freezing/index.asp
It seems to me that there are a lot of misconceptions about food handling/storage - but remember, the ten second rule still applies!

Enjoy my fellow freezers.

Overnight, the leaves began to die - and as they died they turned the most beautiful colours. But nobody saw them, and in the morning they were dead.

Hi there.

That title seems a bit morbid, but not to worry... I was just being poetic.

Something I realised just last night was that none of my friends from Melbourne have been to the restaurant I work at. The visitors I've had while at work have all been old friends from Bendigo.

I've done a lot of writing this year, more writing than I have done for a while. I believe uni has prompted it. There's something about researching and writing about stuff, or rather, being forced to do it, that makes the creative mind wander onto better things. While writing a history essay I suddenly had a creative urge to write about a room. I thought about the power an empty room can have and the power of a title such as 'The Hut of Baba-Yaga', the witch of Russian folklore (from Mussorgsky's 'Pictures At An Exhibition') and the power of the scene from The Neverending Story where Atreyu is in the egg room on the mountain with the Childlike Empress. So I began to write 'The Room of Moving Shadows', although I toyed with different titles for a while. There are only two or three paragraphs so far.

Speaking of my stories... the usual horror story of exams has begun. Still finishing 3 or 4 overdue assignments from two Fridays ago, I've left myself a day and a bit to study for my two written exams. Which admittedly won't be too taxing - I hope.

Oh and I have moved rooms. My new room is higher up, and has [gasp!] a window to the outside world. It also has room for me to move around without bumping into things.

I have progressed with my songwriting. Two songs are now complete, if only in overall structure. More are developing.

I've had a girlfriend for a little over a month now. Her name is Lanie, and she is on exchange from Britain. If you've been out of the loop here (and really do mind not being told!) I apologise.

Last night I worked for nine hours, my longest shift ever. A long time you say? Quite convenient that it happened the weekend before exams. I did have a few minutes to sit and eat, but it was... long. I've spoken to a number of people who are also working during the exam period. Silly, silly fools! That is the first exclamation mark I've used in a while, as in, for some days.

Do I need to say goodbye? Goodbye. Though I doubt it's a final goodbye; I'm sure I'll be back to post again sometime, I really don't know why. I am thinking that a creative blog rather than an everyday one would be more...useful? Thought-provoking? Perhaps I'm just tired of posting about my life. Okay then. My next post shall be about someone else's life. Stay tuned.

>>>G