My new motto?

My life is quite different these days.

Instead of being driven by a self-chosen purpose, I'm besieged by possibilities. Instead of being sure about my values and my beliefs (although that may have been a LONG time ago) I'm constantly forced to re-examine my position on this and that.

I spent a long time on Facebook yesterday reading comments on a group forum (the group was 'One Body of Christ Experiment (all Christians on Facebook)') about various views on homosexuality and the differing Christian interpretations of the Bible on this. The same day, I spent ages reading the history of BP and how it was closely linked to the overthrow of the Iranian government with the help of the CIA. Wow, even the British played nasty for oil in the 50s!

Today, I had a class about policy in Education and we outlined the 8 issues we can choose for our scenario presentation. These are:
- Student Voice and Real Roles
- Family Change
- Racism
- Gender
- Sexual Orientation
- Social Class
- Indigenous Education
- Post-compulsory pathways

I chose gender. Perhaps because of my teaching round in an all-girls' school last semester... as my lecturer said, some may argue that all the bridges have been burned and feminism has had its desired impact and gender is no longer an issue, but this is of course not true.

Also today, for a reflective piece I have to write for the same subject, I've been reading about social justice and somehow got onto Jainism and smegma (which you can look up yourself). Wikipedia, how ridiculously time-consuming, but how enlightening.

I guess what I'm saying is that I'm doing a lot of thinking. Especially about my future and how I can salvage my life into something more worthwhile. Like, perhaps I should be doing more to help disadvantaged people? Or people with measles? Measles are awful.

Who wouldn't want to help a bemeasled person anyway!






Bah!


Oh yes, the reason behind the title. I was thinking my new motto should be 'one thing at a time'. I'm always feeling overwhelmed by the number of things I want to achieve. But I'm probably being unrealistic. In any case, I think I'll be able to focus better by limiting myself to just getting one thing achieved.

I realise this sounds like a particularly 'guy' thing to need to do. lol@gender issue again...


the end.

Ah, the pain!

Le Pain!

The Pursuit of Happy

I may have been deposed from my position of contentedness.

I may have lost my privileged seat in the realms of carefree childhood laughter.

But no matter!

I have been roughly tossed into the ranks of the countless millions moving towards the common goal of a happy life.

Some are marching, others are hunting. Others are unsure of their target. Others still are merely going along for the ride.

But no matter!

I will find happiness with the rest of them.


--written 25th March, 2008.

moneyyyy

I have it! I've done the hard work ok! I want to spend it! But I don't have time to go shopping! grr

Lessee:
New shoes
Guitar (i don't need it but want is a strong factor)
XLR-XLR microphone cable so I can actually USE my new microphone
Headphones
Metal mixing bowl so I can melt chocolate properly - i tried melting it in the bottom of the saucepan. BIG mistake
Camera, for overseas and general use
- hmm. Is it possible to get a camera which can take videos AND act as a webcam via USB or something? The technology is there. It's hard to imagine someone hasn't made this possible. Just would be annoying to have to buy those things all separately
Suit - although I think mum's going to pay for this
yes.

Oh! I did buy a VCR for $5 at a garage sale. (The video cassette tape has fallen on hard times - how times have changed!) It comes with a remote and a sticker which says 'works fine'. I don't know whether the sticker is telling the truth as my sister has it. It's so I can watch myself conducting in class - they tape us, you know.

----------------
Now playing: Mogwai - Oh! How the Dogs Stack Up
via FoxyTunes

I'm just glad I got some clothes shopping in (courtesy of my aunt's insistance that I buy this, and this, and this, and Geelong's amazing shopping district) before uni started. I would have been in serious trouble otherwise.

Now now kiddies! Money isn't everything.
bwahaha.

Frustration

It seems like every time I start to feel comfortable in life, it all starts slipping away again. The descent into madness. Just the thought of completing seven separate subjects in a single semester, many with 1000 word essays and others with time-consuming musical arrangements and rehearsals, makes me want to sit down with myself, face to face, and say: "What are you doing? All evidence points against your success! How do you plan to achieve what you want?"

I don't even know what I want from life any more. Musically, career-wise, from university, from friends, from living arrangements.... it frustrates me just how little I know about myself now. I used to know everything I wanted, except as far as my perfect job went, which was fine as everyone figures that out in time. On the bright side, I guess I've never had a totally comfortable year since moving out of home, so it's not like the Good Years were such a short time ago and it's All Gone Wrong since then. meh...what. am. i, saying.

Anyway. Picture me floating in a sea of dark confusion, and it's night time, and the waves are getting higher, and I'm clutching a rough piece of wood for support (this could be a metaphor for the constants in life... good music? company? family? whatever) and occasionally I see a glimpse of glittery starlight, but the clouds are whipping in from the south and all I can do is hope that lightning isn't involved.

Metaphors aside, I know I've hated myself for a long time. To some extent or other, I have always disliked - often intensely - aspects of who I am; my identity. Which is kind of ironic right now, because in the past week I've had to discuss who I am in almost every class, and my teachers have placed a lot of importance on where we've come from, our experiences from school and so on. But even the me that I used to hate seems preferable to this aimlessness, this lack of drive. The me I used to hate knew unending joy.

I'm glad this year will be a very big change, but also quite sad because last semester was possibly the most fun I have ever had/will have at uni. I enjoyed every subject for once and my results showed it too.

It's tired and I'm late. Probably just in a mood for writing this kinda stuff. That's a strange thing though; I still seem to joke around with people a lot and enjoy laughing at stuff. But whenever I sit down to write stuff about me, it's serious and sombre. WHATEVER

your face.


Now I feel better. There's just something about saying 'your face.' I'm sure you know what I mean.

There are days when cigarette smoke smells like cornflakes.

Well, moments anyway. I just had one of those moments... but perhaps it's more to with not having had breakfast than any real resemblance between those two flavours...


----------------
Now playing: Michael Nyman - The Scent Of Love
via FoxyTunes

Death strikes their house

One of the residents in my house committed suicide today.

As I'm not sure who it was, I'm not sure if I knew them.  There are about 40 people living here, and it's easy to go months without seeing some people.

All the same, it felt weird walking into my place tonight after work.  Everything was so quiet, and I thought of spirits and ghosts and things, the spirit of the guy who died and the spirits of people who had lived and died in this area even before the house was here.

I knew something was up earlier today when someone knocked on the caretaker's door (room next to mine).  It was a woman whose voice I hadn't heard before. She was asking the manager's daughter about something.  She mentioned her son in room 14.  I looked at room 14 on my map.  Didn't know who lived there.  Of course I was furiously eavesdropping, because eavesdropping opportunities are pretty scarce in my corridor.  My sister was in my room talking to me at the time, so I didn't catch much of the conversation.  Later on I could hear a fair bit of movement - I remember it was 1.30pm.  My sister had been leaving, but came back to my room and said "Gawain, why are the police here?"  I went outside with her. There were two police officers in the courtyard, and some guy sitting with his back against a wall, and a number of tenants standing around looking dazed.  My first thought was drugs, because I know some of the guys here are into that.  But whatever it was, I didn't feel like knowing then and there, or disturbing people unnecessarily.  I figured I'd find out soon enough.  I just escorted my sister out another way.  I heard what happened later from one of the tenants, who was obviously very shocked.

I guess there's little reason for it to affect me, but it still sounds ominous...someone I live with committed suicide.


Also one of my high school friends, Matthew Roberts, died recently.  The paper said it was sudden but I don't know what happened.  I have many fond memories of Mr. Roberts which won't elaborate on too much now, cos it's late and I'm sick.  I met him in year 7, he was the son of the year level co-ordinator.  He was fun and I went through high school with him.  Hadn't seen him for ages, and then out of the blue, he contacted me via facebook - along with other high school friends.  Unlike other high school mates, though, he wanted to catch up with me.  It was a busy time of year for me and I didn't take too much notice of his invite.  I regret that we had only just started talking again when he passed away, and hadn't had the chance to properly catch up on each other's lives, but I'm happy that we had a chance to speak again at all.  Facebook has its uses.

I feel like Death comes in clumps.  there are passages of time where you don't hear about anyone dying.  And there are times when it seems to be all around you.  That's the way I have experienced it in the past, but then again it's completely unpredictable.  All we can do is hope for the best.

Sleep=Death.  Death=Long Sleep.  Sleeping=Giving In?  Death=Giving In? Live now, Sleep when you are Dead?  or is Sleep merely a Taste of Death?  Acceptance of Death?  Is putting it off merely Putting Off the Inevitable?  What does Acceptance of Inevitable Death achieve?  Realisation and Acceptance of our Path?  or merely Resignation to our Fate? or nothing at all?

Good Night.

Alienation

A man sits by the window of his hut and looks out.  Dense green forest surrounds him, stifling the outside world.  A soft breeze brings distant bird calls and the slow swishing of leaves to his ears.

He lives alone.  He has lanterns for the dark and a river nearby to wash, and this is sufficient.  He grows beans and corn and potatoes in the clearing surrounding his hut.  He thinks to himself about joy and fear, and the unpredictable nature of emotion.  He travels through the forest often, and once in a while he plays a small wooden harp.

Never has anyone visited him here.

Did he lose his friends?  Where are his family?  Where are his connections to the human cycle?  These answers are buried in his past, buried by choice, in a heart-breaking life riddled with mistakes.  Is he a hermit?

He wonders about his own solitude.

Is he a hermit?

He knows and accepts that he is alone, and seeks to be alone, and seeks to remain forever alone.  But in his heart his craving is to lose himself entirely in another who would accept him.  Then he would know that love and death are the same.

what i am doing.

• Reading. Writing.
  
• Sleeping. Waking.
  
• Listening. Watching.
• Dressing. Walking.
• Shopping. Cooking.
• Eating. Talking.
• Travelling. Working.
• Thinking. Drinking.

• Waiting.
  

Refreezing is okay?

Hello (lol!)

I did say my next post would be about someone else's life...but you know what.... I LIED!

So I defrosted my blade steak a few nights ago, in the fridge as is good and proper. I didn't use it within a couple of days and I began to get worried. (I always freeze stuff these days because I'm only cooking for one person, and things tend to go off in the fridge.)
How long does meat keep in the fridge? I wondered. Less than a week, I was sure.

Then last night I discovered that the meat was leaking (blood, that is) and it seemed to be coming through the plastic bag I wrapped it in. This wasn't great as many other people use the fridge. I was in a hurry... so I threw it back in the freezer, instead of throwing it out.

Now I did tell some people this story, including my mother, and they all thought it was a bit dodgy... and that I should probably throw the meat out. But, boo-ya! The internet came good for me again. The above link debunks the myth that refreezing is bad (as long as it was thawed in the fridge) and the only drawback seems to be a loss of fluid from the process.

This link is more comprehensively about freezing.
http://www.fsis.usda.gov/Fact_Sheets/Focus_On_Freezing/index.asp
It seems to me that there are a lot of misconceptions about food handling/storage - but remember, the ten second rule still applies!

Enjoy my fellow freezers.

Overnight, the leaves began to die - and as they died they turned the most beautiful colours. But nobody saw them, and in the morning they were dead.

Hi there.

That title seems a bit morbid, but not to worry... I was just being poetic.

Something I realised just last night was that none of my friends from Melbourne have been to the restaurant I work at. The visitors I've had while at work have all been old friends from Bendigo.

I've done a lot of writing this year, more writing than I have done for a while. I believe uni has prompted it. There's something about researching and writing about stuff, or rather, being forced to do it, that makes the creative mind wander onto better things. While writing a history essay I suddenly had a creative urge to write about a room. I thought about the power an empty room can have and the power of a title such as 'The Hut of Baba-Yaga', the witch of Russian folklore (from Mussorgsky's 'Pictures At An Exhibition') and the power of the scene from The Neverending Story where Atreyu is in the egg room on the mountain with the Childlike Empress. So I began to write 'The Room of Moving Shadows', although I toyed with different titles for a while. There are only two or three paragraphs so far.

Speaking of my stories... the usual horror story of exams has begun. Still finishing 3 or 4 overdue assignments from two Fridays ago, I've left myself a day and a bit to study for my two written exams. Which admittedly won't be too taxing - I hope.

Oh and I have moved rooms. My new room is higher up, and has [gasp!] a window to the outside world. It also has room for me to move around without bumping into things.

I have progressed with my songwriting. Two songs are now complete, if only in overall structure. More are developing.

I've had a girlfriend for a little over a month now. Her name is Lanie, and she is on exchange from Britain. If you've been out of the loop here (and really do mind not being told!) I apologise.

Last night I worked for nine hours, my longest shift ever. A long time you say? Quite convenient that it happened the weekend before exams. I did have a few minutes to sit and eat, but it was... long. I've spoken to a number of people who are also working during the exam period. Silly, silly fools! That is the first exclamation mark I've used in a while, as in, for some days.

Do I need to say goodbye? Goodbye. Though I doubt it's a final goodbye; I'm sure I'll be back to post again sometime, I really don't know why. I am thinking that a creative blog rather than an everyday one would be more...useful? Thought-provoking? Perhaps I'm just tired of posting about my life. Okay then. My next post shall be about someone else's life. Stay tuned.

>>>G

Children's Children's Children

Oh blurg. How can I express the funniness? Please take seven glorious minutes to follow the link in the title above, and you too will be unable to express the funniness. Check out their other songs too.

'Can I get two burners straight up please.' - Work Quote of tonight.

Gadget & Train

What happened to me last year? I mean really? What happened?




There was a hole.
Deep and dark, it reached a long way down - it was impossible to say how far.
Some people thought they knew. They would throw things into it, listen carefully, and claim after some time that they heard a faintly audible splash or a thud. Others were happy to abseil into its depths, even to camp there a little while. There were ledges and hollows in the sides, some large enough to hold many people comfortably. Of course, the further away one was from the top, the darker it became. People would bring climbing gear: sturdy shoes, and torches and ropes, and helmets and gloves. They chattered and laughed, all the while descending into the blackness.
Further down, the sides became rougher and sharper. Jagged edges surrounded the explorers, twisted and mangled remnants of a violent past. Slow trickles of mineral-rich fluids seeped out of tiny crevices, making every surface slippery. People would reluctantly give up and head back when they reached this area, as it seemed too difficult to traverse.
As time passed, a group of tougher adventurers made up their minds to reach the bottom, if such an end existed. Their stamina was greater and their determination stronger. They brought durable, sturdy equipment, and longer-lasting supplies. They fought their way past the dangerous terrain, even though it became increasingly inhospitable the further down they travelled - fragile outcrops which crumbled easily, incredibly smooth sections where no handholds could be found.
Finally they discovered the unthinkable. The wall came to an abrupt end. Nothing could be seen by shining their bright beams down further. They clambered around to the far side. Still there was nothing below them. The wall simply did not continue. They dropped a coin and waited in hopeful silence for a faint echo. None came. Hanging cautiously from the very corner of the wall, they peered underneath it into the darkness. The ceiling stretched endlessly away from them, flat and forbidding. They could not proceed that way. It seemed their journey was at an end.
After much discussion about what to do, they all fell silent. The atmosphere was dead and not a sound could be heard, except for their own breathing as they clung to the wall. The air was very stuffy and no light was visible from above. The hole had swallowed them completely. None of them felt any desire to climb back to the top.




The title of this post refers to the two runners listed on the board at Berth last Thursday night. I was Train, of course (G Train), but why the chef has been calling Jason 'Inspector Gadget' is beyond me.

Munch

I'm going to miss my house this year. *sigh* I love hammocks...

Ego Time

Hey infidels,

I just got an email from Tickle (web.tickle.com) reminding me that my account was about to be deleted. Yay, I thought. I'm rid of another random site. Looking closer at the email, it appears I took an IQ test on the site, back in July of last year.

Now this test is apparently a "PHD Certified Premium Test", but whatever, that could be marketing bluff to make it sound more credible. All I remember is that it was a HARD test and it had lots of MATHS. Hmm....

What was my result, I wondered. The email said "Visionary Philosopher" but I couldn't remember the exact score. Well if the title of this post hasn't given it away, I am a little proud of my result on that particular test.

"Your IQ score is 140

This number is based on a scientific formula that compares how many questions you answered correctly on the Classic IQ Test relative to others.

Your Intellectual Type is Visionary Philosopher. This means you are highly intelligent and have a powerful mix of skills and insight that can be applied in a variety of different ways. Like Plato, your exceptional math and verbal skills make you very adept at explaining things to others — and at anticipating and predicting patterns."

Bahaha. I used to be intelligent - before I dropped out of uni! Bahahaha!

...sorry my friends...

I've been wanting to blog for days, but haven't had the time. Still don't, even now.

First things first.

***LIFE UPDATE***
I treated myself on Thursday night. After jamming with my friend Darren, which was fun and to some extent productive, I walked into the city with my sax and took an elevator to the 35th floor of the hotel Sofitel. Here I discovered that the Atrium bar, which I knew had been previously undergoing renovations, was in fact completed and open for the first time that very night. Having nothing to lose and everything to gain, I walked in and was seated at a small table, given a large bowl of complimentary rice crackers and a very elaborate LLB (Lemon Lime Bitters), which ended up costing me $6. So I sat contemplatively at the table, sipping my LLB, writing more of my choir piece and admiring the snatches of fabulous view over the city.

On Sunday arvo it was super windy at the restaurant. We had to stack the outside chairs up so they wouldn't blow away, and the wind strength was intense. In the morning some canoers/rowers had capsized in the Yarra, and spent a while trying to reach the docks. This provided our customers with some light entertainment.

That afternoon I went to see Ben Folds at Hamer Hall playing with the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra. Not only was this a great concert, it was a birthday present, so it was totally free for me. Thankyou Bridget Graham and Andrew Young.
Not content merely with seeing a world-class orchestra and music star performing together, I then somehow found my way to High Street in Northcote for the High Vibes music festival, where I met Sowmiya, Rohan and Trumpet Dave, and a bunch of trippy-looking ravers and stoners, lots of DJs, and lots of pot. We watched the remains of Trojan Horns (now relabelled as Radio Three or something) and they played sweet funky reggae ska.

Yeah and today I rehearsed with the two other people in my trio - each separately. Go figure. And posted my tax form.


Now... onto the next part.

***THOUGHTS UPDATE***
I'm thinking I'm going to ring Telstra tomorrow and tell them I don't want the phone they sent me, because I don't like the plan it's fixed to. But I do want a new phone now. Definitely with a camera.
I'm thinking there are so many people I want to catch up with. So many people I don't have time for.
I'm thinking that half of my workmates are crazy.
I'm thinking that I spend too much time writing about my life and not enough time doing something about it.
I'm thinking that I could never be a Christian, but I'm also thinking that faith is the only solid thing in this world. Maybe that's its problem, that it's not flexible enough, but if everything is in a state of constant change, is it changing to something worthwhile? Is it achieving something worthwhile? Who defines worthwhile anyway?
I'm thinking that I'm working way too much this coming week.


Finally:

***HEALTH UPDATE***
I still have a fungus-type thing on two or three of my fingers which makes them peel. I need to see a chemist for some suggestions.
I should be flossing every day, but I do it about once every two months. But I think my teeth are okay... Haven't seen a dentist in a while... and I probably still need braces.
I know my glasses prescription is out of date because I can't read some things without difficulty. Like, why are fast food menus so far away and hard to read? I'm sure it's not just me who finds them annoying! Anyway sometime soon I better have another eye test.
Lloyd, from work, told me on Sunday that I looked more buff. Hmm I doubt it very much, but all the same, it makes me want to do a couple of push-ups right now. Phew. I can do 15 at the moment. A slight improvement on 10 at the start of the year, but not much.
I think my health is pretty okay. I ate pizza tonight though? ah who cares.


***MUSIC UPDATE***
Not much to say here. I've only been listening to my Not Classical! playlist on iTunes, and haven't been writing much music. However when I played with the members of my trio today I sometimes got a nice sound out of my sax. Maybe I haven't lost all my skills this year.


***HAMSTER UPDATE***
I don't have one!

Scheiße!

Just remembered something I was s'posed to do today... and I'm about to be late for a concert at Trinity, and I don't even know if there are tickets left. Aah crap.
BLUE DA BA DEE! DA BA DIE!!!
;)

Oh! what a beautiful Friday

Bring on the insanity. Working Friday, Saturday and Sunday, with my party Saturday night, so I'll be stuffed by the time the weekend's over.

Love love love. By the Mountain Goats.
(is not what I'm listening to right now. I'm listening to Dub Beautiful Collective, an internet radio station)

Jump Into The Fire

I've been working heaps. And getting pretty exhausted. Which ain't such a good idea, because when I get tired I get depressed. In fact I'm thinking a lot about life and getting older, sometimes in a sad way and sometimes not. I guess my looming 21st has something to do with it, but a lot of it comes from my job too. Working with these people, many of whom are younger than me (although I thought they were all older...) makes me realise once more who the world is made up of. Uni was a welcome break from the secondary school kids, the majority of people in the world, the ones who go into trades and keep the world functioning, the 'mass consumers', the ones who lap up all the ... the stuff which is in the world. The ones who don't seem to search. Not belittling the awesome people I work with now, but just appreciating what I had in college and at uni. Those people were much more LIKE ME. They were intelligent, questioning, crazy and accepting. At work I just sometimes feel like I'm back in primary school again, with the big kids picking on me, unable to say anything. Everything to those sort of people is immediate, very much concerned with what's happening 'at the moment'. The past and the future are vague boundaries, not to be worried about. Of course I don't feel picked on most of the time, otherwise I would have complained. I'm getting used to the joking atmosphere, people pushing each other around and dealing with insults. I don't think I was ever good at that; or maybe I was too good at it. In fact it's just some of the chefs I feel belittled by, whereas at times with the waiters I feel out of place, like I don't belong. Chefs are just bastards though. They're manageable, and they are funny, and incredibly dirty (in the sexual sense). And the waiters may be young out-there party people concerned mostly with the here and now, but they are really nice - naturally this is a prerequisite for a waiter. They're great, and not only that, but they're also intelligent... in a different way. I can't figure it out. They're socially brilliant, of course, and perhaps that's it. To be good at conversation, you have to be able to talk about a variety of things, and that's what makes you intelligent.
Anyway, thinking about who these people are, it makes me kinda despair. On the one hand I want to envy them, for being able to do everything without worrying if it's right or wrong, for not needing to wonder about consequences. And for their worldliness... sometimes I feel so naïve and clueless. On the other hand I'm glad of my uni education and my desire for more of it, and somehow, of what innocence I retain. Ah, and I'm swearing a lot more, just in the last week or so. I have a few different theories as to why, but I'll wait and see how that pans out.

Meh, so. Life continues. Death approaches. DCFC's album 'Plans' has a lot to say about death, and love, and how they combine. It's incredibly intelligent stuff. Thanks Vertigo. ;)

What?

Hi gorgeous people

I bought a CD from Cash Converters the other day - I've been missing it

I heard it so long ago, but forgot it

Two songs on it were worth the $5 alone

"Two Beds And A Coffee Machine"

and

"I Don't Know You Anymore"

The rest are pretty alright

You keep moving on.... and the years go by so fast

Wonder how I ever made it

Beautiful.

  PS check out the link above if you like

  It's my photoblog, with new pics